Once a month I read what I've posted for the last two years and for good or worse, I haven't changed my mind. At least not much. One cannot say "ooh..it's just a phase of your life...". Well, no.
To be honest, everything is working well with my life, on a career and educational level. I've made a great progress of fulfilling every dream I have, connected with my age and the space-time continuum :)
As I am a studying magistrate of zoology, I have this class called Zoopsychology. Man, I've tried to level the Human as being so animal, as the bacteria next to him, in several old posts. Well, there's a book about it. Eventually I'll protect my ideas with the right terminology, because obviously being represented this way, they are more acceptable - for me, and for the masses.
The last few months I've been obligated to go around this damn city and do whatever crap I have to do. If it wasn't for the sky and the music from my phone, I would've beat the shit out of someone or get into really big troubles. The amount of two-legged organisms, walking around the streets, calling themselves Men, are beyond my ability to count. When? When will all this come to its end? I've talked about my Utopian dream. After I've shared it with some close friends of mine, with similar ideas of life, they pointed some holes in this theory. Well of course, nothing can be perfect when you put self aware animal that wants to reproduce in a cage with shitload of other such beasts. It's sad actually.
So, what's the problem? The problem is our ability to think of the future, to have more individual and ego-boosting self thoughts. The problem is that we think and analyse everything with the motor-power of the GREED. We are called Homo Sapiens - Wise men. Why not Homo Avaritia, Greedy men?
But, there is that paradox, if I may call it like that. Look at all the tribes, all over the globe. There are even such that the modern civilization haven't discovered yet. Why haven't they developed like the rest of the world? Because they've found the way to live in perfect harmony with the nature, thus surviving from the very beginning of their existence. We? We create and destroy - the loop that grows and eventually will engulf everything that we can get hands on. The problem is that overthinking and blind passion for knowledge that we have. The connection between us - the so called Modern World and those simple tribes is almost lost. How can we restore it? I don't know..maybe we are not able anymore. Everything is a complete mess. Absolute bomb with a counter. I don't want to be near it when time comes for it to detonate. Of course I have a plan about that, but I may speak of it some other time.
So what now? Keep up walking around and don't give a crap about all this? Yeah, sounds easy. But it isn't. But, till the moment I can afford of getting away from this, I can do nothing more, but to walk among my kind and pretend everything is normal.
Dreams. Let's talk about dreams. For the last 4-5 years I've dreamed of killing a man five times. Last three in the last couple of months. Strange? Well, It's story time:
Long ago I had that dream of being in my high school, walking around the dark corridors. There were some people here and there, but they were mostly dead or scared, crying or running away from something. I was just looking for a way out. I remember those dark classrooms and toilets, all broken and in ruins. Suddenly the chasers saw me, and I ran. I've reached a corridor and saw this girl, running away from a guy and I decided to help her. She was screaming and so on, so I reached my pockets and the only thing I found was a single pen. Worth the try..So attacked the guy, who let the girl go after seeing me. He was dressed as a arabian, and had this native clothing. No matter, he attacked me too. So I managed to block his hands with my left arm and stab the guy in the kidneys with the pen in my right arm. He fell on me with a scream and I dropped him on the ground. He started crying and begging for help but I left. Eventually I found my way out.
Second dream: I think it was two years ago. So I was walking in this strange neighborhood, filled with unfinished buildings. I saw a woman, lying dead on the doorway of one of the constructions. I rushed to her, with the idea of help, but I saw it was already too late. Near her I found a gun. While I was staring at it, a big angry man came from inside the structure and started yelling at me some crap and charged me. I picked up the gun and ran away. Eventually I came to a dead end. He was gaining at me and he stopped after seeing I have nowhere to go. He then started laughing and walking towards me with his hands ready to grab me. I was scared and I knew what I had to do. I shot the bastard. He dropped dead and I ran away. I reached a street full of people and acted like nothing happened.
Last few dreams, about me murdering people were the following: An angry man in his 50s chased me around a truck filled with crates. We were climbing, jumping and what not. He was very angry at me. It's because I saw him killing a friend of mine and he knew I was a witness. After trying to run away from him, I stumbled upon a kitchen knife. I didn't even hesitate. I charged him and stabbed him in the stomach. He tried to defend himself but I was prepared. So I stabbed him again and again, until he dropped dead. To be sure I stabbed him several times in the back. It's a hard thing getting a knife trough bone, I tell ya :D. My idea of knowing this is because I like to cook meet in real life. I've never stabbed a man before.
The other two dreams are murky and all I can remember is again stabbing some guy for self defense and another one I pushed from high. Last night I dreamed of again defending myself against a guy, but in it I kicked his legs. The kick was so brutal, that I ACTUALLY KICKED MY BEDSIDE and woke up. Similar thing happened 3 years ago. Then I wanted to kick some attacker's board that he was holding. I kicked so hard that almost broke the window above my bed back then (it was summer time and it was opened). I even yelled from the pain. Wow! Anyway..
Interesting stuff. Now I remember the ideas of the journal. When you put the needed information in one place you can see things that your thoughts cannot by themselves. I kill older men, mainly by stabbing. I don't know where this is going, and frankly I don't care. All I know is that there's a lot of anger inside of me. I can deal with it in real life, but it's getting pretty messy inside my head at night. I blame the society of course. There's almost nothing else that bugs me. Do I need a professional help? Maybe. But what would the guy do? Fill my head with crap that I already know? Stuff me with some chemicals? Or just talk? I talk here. I talk with my friends.
But being around people is not always a bad experience. Last few months I saw a lot of nice individuals, being great and smart about basic stuff on the streets, dressed normal, acting normal. They are few of course, but they manage.
Dreams... I might start describing them interesting again. I had that thought thou, will I ever get bored of having all those strange trips during my sleep? Like, living another life? I hope not. It's too amazing and too ethereal to just get boring.
After I kicked my bed last night, I woke up of course. But when I fell asleep again I had that usual dream of me, chasing specific reptiles, wanting to get hold of a young individual. I was trying not to hurt them, but some of them managed to lose their tails. In real life I work with reptiles - my thesis is about a specific kind of lizard. That's actually very interesting, because there are those dream readers, that say that if you dream of a reptiles it means you are going to do something bad and so on. Well. I work with reptiles, how can I NOT dream of them? See? Logic..And yet, the masses believe all that crap and follow its laws blindly.
This post turned out to be pretty long, which is good. It means I'm not done with the chaos in my head. I've yet to conquer my mind.
